July 21st

Saw the dietician again today with a student in tow.

We spent a few a few minutes before my treatment discussing wonderful subjects like the state of my appetite, what I was eating and drinking and my bowel movements.

Just the sort of thing you really want to do before being strapped down for the daily dose of radiation.

Still, she seemed to be happy with my responses and seemed OK about what I was eating expressing considerable surprise that my throat was still without the pain that had been expected. Personally I was abxolutely delighted and told her so.

The staff in the treatment room and I seem to have finally managed to reach a level of practice that actually facilitates a fast turn around time. I know exactly what is expected of me and I can actually wiggle my body into the correct position on the table so that the adjustments that need to be made are minimal. I was in and out in probably under five minutes.

Ah well, today is day 16 - only 14 more to go. Over the half way mark I now have to get used to counting down the days and hoping that when all of this is over I will be able to have some more time to do things other than worry about hospitals and treatment.

I have to confess though that looking around the waiting room I am not encouraged by what I see. There are so many people who come for treatment whose condition is far far worse than mine. I have this horrible feeling on a daily basis that this will be my lot if and when there is a next time.

I look at their frailness and their response to the treatments and just hope that if there is a next time I will not have to go through all of their pain and anguish.

It's all very well to talk about the Kubler Ross' stages of bereavement. What no one tells you about is how to endure the period between having reached acceptance and actually kicking on. If there was ever a need to understand the concept of purgatory or hell then I suspect that knowing you are dying and having to go through pain and suffering to get there is more likely to be worse than any purgatory can be.

Still, not really anxious to find out one way or the other at this point!