Well the news is in - the implant was only partially successful! Alas the GoreTex implant has not had the fully desired effect and has not managed to bring the right hand side vocal cord sufficiently into the midline position to enable the left hand side to close fully - net result? Still no real voice. Can something be done? Yes but at what cost? We could do the operation all over again I suppose. Not really a good idea though and certainly not worth the cost according to the specialist. So what I have now is likely to be what I am stuck with.
Of course there is the hope that the Speech Therapist will be able to suggest some techniques to make a not so great situation better - but frankly I doubt it - while I think a lot of her skills I did not notice the words 'miracle worker' on her diploma.
So for those who wish to listen to the traffic rather than me - just take me for a walk along any busy street and your wish will be rewarded. If you want to drown me out all you have to do is to raise your voice above a whisper and you will succeed.
Still at least I am still living. Next stop yet another scoping to see what they can see down that pipe!
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Some Good News and Some Bad News
Isn't it always the way? Some things change and some things stay the same.
On the 4th of February I celebrated the third anniversary of a dreaded day - the day that I was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer. Why did I celebrate that, you may well ask? Well that was also the day when I was told that I probably had three months to live - three years later I am certainly glad that that was wrong.
Make no mistake about it though - given the insidious and horrifying statistics relating to this illness, each day that you are alive is a bonus and each day that you survive is - at least in my view, a new miracle for which to be grateful.
Apart from being alive there is also something else to be grateful for. This is in general a diminution of pain. If you have issues with the basic functions of living like breathing, being able to eat or drink and to top it all off you also have massive and inescapable pain then there are days when the whole notion of living becomes moot. You actually do ask silly questions like WHY? What's the point? After all if you can't even do the basics and any activity is akin to self torture - what really is the point of going on?
I suspect that the answer lies in a singular hope that the pain will end and that a sense of normalcy will return.
What the hell does that mean?
Well for those out there who thankfully have never had a major illness, just once - when you have a moment, sit down in a quiet room and mentally do a search on yourself. See if there is anything you notice that seems to be out of whack with how you normally feel. If during and immediately after this process you cannot find anything and put the whole idea down to the ravings of a lunatic - do me a favour and just listen to your body purring along without aches and pains and seemingly without effort.
That's normal!
If you can actually get a mental image of that state then store it and keep it as a reference point. THAT is normal!
It's a state in which all of your bodily functions are simply getting on with the jobs that they have been assigned and because it is normal - you can get on with the job of managing your life - leaving all that stuff to burble along on automatic pilot. And amazingly it will continue to fly almost effortlessly. Indeed the only time you begin to realise how wonderful that state can be is when something (usually more than just one thing) stops working effortlessly and starts to become an effort and usually a painful effort at that.
It's then you will wish for the state you were in before. OOPS! Too late!
If I can offer someone else some advice - when you notice yourself staying up half the night with reflux and it's not just once when you have had a really heavy night out, but more often than you like, when the store bought medication that used to stop the gastric juices from rising up and trying to eat you alive THAT is the time to have a check! Go and see if there is anything wrong DO IT NOW - I know it sound silly to go to a doctor for a just a belly ache - expensive too.
However DO it anyway! If your doctor looks down your throat with a tube and pronounces you look OK breathe a sigh of relief and think about your food and drink intake habits - you still have time to change. If the doctor tells you that there is a concern DEAL WITH IT EARLY!
The biggest killer with this illness is that people leave it alone until it's too late! After all it was only some reflux - and it was a heavy meal, too much fat and oil, with too much alcohol and too many cakes etc.
Yeah they were my excuses, it was only a tummy ache after all!
Now when I think back and think that had I done something about things earlier I might actually be taking advantage of an increase in the life span of humans rather than count my days.
Regret is an emotion you can do without!
On the 4th of February I celebrated the third anniversary of a dreaded day - the day that I was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer. Why did I celebrate that, you may well ask? Well that was also the day when I was told that I probably had three months to live - three years later I am certainly glad that that was wrong.
Make no mistake about it though - given the insidious and horrifying statistics relating to this illness, each day that you are alive is a bonus and each day that you survive is - at least in my view, a new miracle for which to be grateful.
Apart from being alive there is also something else to be grateful for. This is in general a diminution of pain. If you have issues with the basic functions of living like breathing, being able to eat or drink and to top it all off you also have massive and inescapable pain then there are days when the whole notion of living becomes moot. You actually do ask silly questions like WHY? What's the point? After all if you can't even do the basics and any activity is akin to self torture - what really is the point of going on?
I suspect that the answer lies in a singular hope that the pain will end and that a sense of normalcy will return.
What the hell does that mean?
Well for those out there who thankfully have never had a major illness, just once - when you have a moment, sit down in a quiet room and mentally do a search on yourself. See if there is anything you notice that seems to be out of whack with how you normally feel. If during and immediately after this process you cannot find anything and put the whole idea down to the ravings of a lunatic - do me a favour and just listen to your body purring along without aches and pains and seemingly without effort.
That's normal!
If you can actually get a mental image of that state then store it and keep it as a reference point. THAT is normal!
It's a state in which all of your bodily functions are simply getting on with the jobs that they have been assigned and because it is normal - you can get on with the job of managing your life - leaving all that stuff to burble along on automatic pilot. And amazingly it will continue to fly almost effortlessly. Indeed the only time you begin to realise how wonderful that state can be is when something (usually more than just one thing) stops working effortlessly and starts to become an effort and usually a painful effort at that.
It's then you will wish for the state you were in before. OOPS! Too late!
If I can offer someone else some advice - when you notice yourself staying up half the night with reflux and it's not just once when you have had a really heavy night out, but more often than you like, when the store bought medication that used to stop the gastric juices from rising up and trying to eat you alive THAT is the time to have a check! Go and see if there is anything wrong DO IT NOW - I know it sound silly to go to a doctor for a just a belly ache - expensive too.
However DO it anyway! If your doctor looks down your throat with a tube and pronounces you look OK breathe a sigh of relief and think about your food and drink intake habits - you still have time to change. If the doctor tells you that there is a concern DEAL WITH IT EARLY!
The biggest killer with this illness is that people leave it alone until it's too late! After all it was only some reflux - and it was a heavy meal, too much fat and oil, with too much alcohol and too many cakes etc.
Yeah they were my excuses, it was only a tummy ache after all!
Now when I think back and think that had I done something about things earlier I might actually be taking advantage of an increase in the life span of humans rather than count my days.
Regret is an emotion you can do without!
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