A Very Distressing Evening

Peter has had a very trying few days, especially yesterday afternoon. He had a central line changed in his neck to try to stem any possible infection but the arterial line in his arm was not able to be changed and could cause problems if it isn't changes as well as if it is changed. A catch 22 situation.

I have taught Peter how to send SMS texts and he sent several late last night, wanting people to know he was "trapped finally into silence as doctors one by one first project hope and then snatch it away with a new and different crisis". He feels he is the "man in a plastic mask" as the oxygen machine he is on doesn't allow him to talk and he can only communicate by way of a small white board.

He was able to get out into a chair yesterday with the assistance of a lifting machine and several nurses and wardsmen, which was good. He is also having some success with getting off the mask onto a less invasive mask from time to time and he has been maintaining a reasonably good oxygen saturation during those times.

He has been told that he may not leave hospital alive this time and that some of the doctors think he should be made comfortable and not treated too actively. The last straw came last night when we were told that his arm could (if things went wrong with the arterial line in his hand) go black and be amputated. SHOCK, HORROR to say the least; not only that but that we should both come to terms with the fact he is going to die in the near future and that it is clear we haven't been able to do so. I have to say that went down like a lead balloon between us both!! I told the doctor that the theory of "acceptance" of death and the reality when faced with it are two very different things. My theory is that there are many factors which affect one's view on death and unless you have a strong religious faith or have had enough, then the only people who aren't frightened of death are those that don't know it's about to happen. Anyway, all in all we did not a happy time yesterday.

Peter is keen to see friends as he is fearful he may not live long. However, my only proviso is don't come if you or anyone you come into contact is sick - as he is on every conceivable antibiotic now and can't cope with more infection.

Leanne