Peter's View on Cycle 2 of Chemotherapy, the Universe and Everything....

Hello everyone, Peter has been well enough to type up his thoughts this week, which is quite an effort given he has only one hand that works now. He starts the 2nd week of the 2nd cycle of chemotherapy with more infusions of Taxotere tomorrow. So, enough from me and here are some of the things that have been occupying his mind over the past couple of days:

To all of those who have followed this blog thus far, I think you need to hear from me - the owner and original writer for this blog. The reality folks is that I am not at all well and this cannot be left at the door of the medications that I have been ingesting nor the simple consequences of such medication - loss of hair, lungs that are filled with crap and need to be emptied so that I can breathe and just function at some basic level. Alas my mind is clear and really quite vividly analysing the situation each blasted moment the day or night - whenever I happen to catch myself in an alert state. What does my analysis tell me?

It tells me simply that I am on my way out. There is no wriggle room out of this analysis and of course as Dr. Kubler Ross branded into my brain cells years ago in what was another life, as part of my bereavement process I really need to:

1. deal with unfinished business
2. say and give opportunities to others to say their good byes
3. finalise any outstanding matters - in my case simply as an example deal with the relationship issues that of course have arisen in a small life time with the wonderful and very loving woman in my life;
4. the details of where I am to be placed when I can really not get up for another round of the pummelling and punishment that this illness eventually takes.

As to the last matter - I have no idea what other people do. Do they simply contact a funeral director and make the necessary arrangements while they are alive or does one wait and allow a loved one to make the arrangements. Should one take into consideration religious differences that have not impacted on the pathway through life, but which may have a different meaning to the people involved when one passes on and the other remains. Does one factor into consideration that Canberra being a sort of half way house for public servants may well mean that one is left in this city while a partner remains for his or her life span but then wishes to be placed elsewhere than in this fair city - perhaps closer to other extended family members back in the location where that person was born and grew up.

All unfinished business that sadly is becoming more and more urgent with the passing of every day and all unfinished business that takes one back in time over an entire life span raising issues that once produced anger, frustration, sadness, even revulsion and violent disagreement with others.

Business of this kind is generally buried along with other garbage at some lower level of the psyche. It seems only now in the most impossible circumstances to raise its ugly head and demand some form of resolution.

I know that in my life there have been many instances in which my behaviour has been inappropriate and as a result has hurt people. For this, all I can do is to say sorry - and I do. I really wish that the situations could have been otherwise. Of course I say this now with a head that I hope is filled with changed outlooks on life, changed measures of how I look at and value others and of course how my learnt behaviours, attitudes, prejudices, abilities all mix together in this melange that calls itself me.

Each day this changes, for better or worse as internal and external stuff impacts on the what's left. I sincerely hope that it is changing for the better and that I am becoming a better person in the way that I think and go about finding those few things I can change. I also seem to recall some of my teachers telling me the wise advice that I should change what I can, accept what I can't change and just try and deal as well as I can with what is out there.

I have no idea if I can do this but I am trying.

In the interim, while I can, I am happy to have visitors - provided that they understand my levels of incapacity and levels of cell helplessness - ie the current levels to which my entire cell structure is compromised - in other words people who are in good health.