I am consistently amazed by the fact that I am still alive! After having been told the bad news - you have a few months to live, it has come as a pleasant surprise to find myself still alive and kicking. The bad news is that there are people I know and like who have not been as fortunate. Alas they have fallen victim to some form of cancer or other ailment well before what I would have thought of as their allotted time.
I have now been to a number of funerals and I can tell you they are really even more depressing when they are about someone who is both younger than I am and someone who until their demise was considered to be a darn sight healthier.
Whenever I have another appointment with the doctors or have to have another scan I am consistently frightened by the prospect of what the examinations will reveal. To some extent I guess I wish to be able to return to the days when I was pig ignorant and felt that the rest of my life would be filled with healthy and happy days - as all the earlier one's had been. Being aware of your mortality is on the one hand good news - as you can try and take as many precautions to maintain the state as possible and on the other, bad news as you no longer feel either willing or able to take the risks that would have been taken with impunity at an earlier life stage.
When will the pattern of life return to a sense of normality? I fear never! All my life prior to my diagnosis I lived in the fairy tale world of "and so they lived happily ever after". No longer is this possible. I guess what is possible is to regain sufficient equilibrium to not worry too much about either the happily or the ever after and just try and enjoy what time is left.
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