The bad news continues and gets worse

For those of my readers who have had the opportunity to read these messages and to have been with me on the journey through the nightmare of oesophageal cancer I am afraid I have some more bad news about me to report.

The visit to the oncologist has produced what I would certainly call the worst possible news - he has taken a look at the CT scan, the whole body bone scan and the blood reports and has come in with a verdict.

He has indicated that I have not one but two areas of problem one at the top of my lungs - the apex where the mass (which I thought had been removed both surgically and also with the use of chemo and radio therapy) is back. On top of this there appears to be some additional tumour in the right lung which is already 22 mm in size and no doubt growing as we speak.

While my oncologist is consulting with colleagues about the scans and what if anything can be done he is of the view that this is really the end of the line and that even with treatment the likelihood of anything other than palliative treatment is remote and when really pushed he eventually came out and said that the average life span for people in my situation is less than a year. So since I have already managed to convince the powers that be that I am at the wrong end of ONE bell curve I suspect that this could mean anything from days to weeks to a few months and only with exceptional good luck and good management close to the 'less than a year' he is envisaging.

I am not sure how anyone else is likely to react to this news - I for one am staggered!

I am staggered that the growth in the mass which is undocumented in the place where I had an operation not all that long ago and where I had treatment to remove residual cells has not worked - apparently. I am even more staggered that there is a new mass in the middle of my right lung.

What amazes me I guess is how it is possible to determine so precisely that what I have are related to me pre-existing condition when for example the blood tests which were taken AFTER the CT and the Bone scan do not show the usual markers for cancer.

Being told that biopsies are really not needed and/or very risky is also somewhat unsettling and I must confess to finding myself in the stages of bereavement that Kubler Ross talks about - I am in both the denial and the anger stage at present. I am angry that I do not seem to be able to get access to advice about all of the options that are possibly available to me together of course with an outline of the potential risks and benefits and costs and angry that I have not had an explanation of what is possible - apart from the bleeding obvious which is of course to have chemo therapy and hope that there is a another period of remission or possibly treating one or the other or both of the sites with radio and chemotherapy or simply heading off to oblivion!

I guess from the doctors' points of view it is early days yet and no doubt they have to collect their collective wisdom and see what if anything they can do. In the interim I guess all that is left for me to do is to start with serious bending exercises so that I at least try to get supple enough to kiss my own backside goodbye.

Meanwhile - so as not to get too maudlin about the news to date I am of course still going for walks around the lake where I got some piece of mind on the last few occasions when I received bad news. This has a multipurpose basis - I get exercise to build up the body as far as possible and I get to contemplate nature I also get to see the seasons change and so get my mind off my own troubles and just marvel at what is around me. I also have time to think and to reason and hopefully to come up with some ideas on how I would like to spend what time I have left - at present with what feels like good health even though it is apparently only good on the surface.

Anyway, as the days pass I suspect that more "stuff" will be revealed and as a faithful recorder of events I will bring you the good bad and unvarnished news.