25/10/2004

Awoke at around 5:30 today. It is going to be a big day. My partner is returning to work after being absent since February 2004 while being my carer.

It is also a big day in that it will be the first time that I am being left alone to look after myself.

Reading the EC discussion group's stories can be a most depressing exercise. Only today there was a story of a man (probably about my age) who had been diagnosed with EC in December of last year, treated with surgery, chemo and radio therapy and declared NED (no evidence of disease) who in July had developed a recurrence of the disease, suffered with some really major problems with his kidneys and had a wife who was distraught with shock and anger at the return of the dreaded illness so soon after all that could be done had been done.

It is horrifying to think that the disease is so virulent that it will come back almost immediately and spread almost at the speed of light through other systems. The chances of survival for this man are likely to be slim. He is obviously well on his way into palliative care and pain management.

I guess in some ways when you are diagnosed with cancer you become resigned to the fact that you have been given a death sentence and that the likelihood of this sentence being commuted to a life sentence is only a remote hope. What I think you can never be reconciled to is the prospect of a lingering death, probably in pain while the anguish that you represent is etched onto the faces of the people that you love.