Bad News

Peter has come towards the end of his journey and I weep while writing this at his hospital chair side. Today the Intensivist said that while he has made some progress that he hasn't improved as much as they had hoped and that he is getting weaker.

We have had a very harrowing discussion - Peter, the Intensivist(a good one who has been on for the last 4 days and has taken a lot of time to talk with us) and I - I can't see why they can't keep actively treating him but the doctor says that she can see he is battling but not winning.

Peter is so tired, he says he just wants to drift away as painlessly and comfortably as possible now. I have found this too difficult to bear as he has come through other fights!! I know how he has shown them before that they were wrong but he seems to have lost his strength now. He said this morning: "I feel like I have come to the end of my rope". He is also getting more anxious and distressed, and so Valium and morphine are being used in small regular doses to help as I think it is all too much for him - he is very scared. Soon they will end his intravenous feeding and revert to fluids only (glucose and water intravenously).

This weekend is our 16th anniversary of being together. Today is our 4-week anniversary of being married.

They say he may only last a few more days, maybe not through to this time next week. I have tried so hard to keep him with me over the past 5 and 1/2 years and nothing I do now seems to be able to convince the doctors, and now Peter, that there is hope still. They are telling me there is none and that Pseudonmonas pneumonia is very life threatening and with his cancer and the chemotherapy the risk factors are even higher.

It is 2.07pm Sunday 2 August and they have just switched off his food intravenously and are now putting up the glucose fluids. He is still on one antibiotic. This is the beginning of the end I think. He is awake but a little groggy. I have been holding his hand. Nothing more to say right now. Don't want him to go. Am frightened for him and he is scared too. This is one of the worst days we have ever had to face.

Leanne